Week 8 Aug, 2011

[String]

Sorry for the slight delay I was watching on tv a few young scamps causing some nuisance in London.
Here's this weeks caption contest picture. Please post you best captions in the categories or Ripper, non-ripper and Howard Brown:
I've a feeling this one was posted before if it was let me know and I'll change it:

[String]

"FFS! Did you have to wear your bee keepers hat?"

[Chris G.]

Ethel to Hawley: "I told you it was a bad idea to bump off Cora and bury her in the cellar! Maybe next time you'll let me drive?"

[Phil Kellingley]

When visiting his doctor (about that nasty little rash) Howard decided to wear a disguise. Not a very good disguise.

[Phil Kellingley]

Howard: "Here in America toots, cattle markets are somewhat different"

[Robert Linford]

There was quite a queue for the public convenience.

[Phil Kellingley]

Policeman: "I don't think much of the new Royal Protection Vehicle. Apart from the lack of roof, it makes Will and Kate look so much older".

[Phil Kellingley]

David Cameron and Theresa May take their ringside seats for tonight's riot.

[String]

"Sir and Madam you have entered a plea of insanity for looting a Poundland when there was a Currys next door, Your plea has been accepted."

[Robert Linford]

ETHEL : Hawley, you've just let off the most hideously loud f*rt I've ever heard.

HAWLEY : That was a masonic boom.

[Chris G.]

"Ethel, dearest, do you have to wear that damned mosquito net to court once more?"

[Robert Linford]

Here we see the plaintiffs in their action against How Brown Cosmetics Anti-Ageing Solutions. The plaintiffs are Mr and Mrs George, aged 24 and 23 respectively.

[How Brown]

" Psst...Ethel....why the hell did you wear that thing into court anyway ?"
"Relax Crip....the judge might lighten up on our sentence."
" Why would he do that ? !"
"Elementary, Harley....for good bee-havior..."

[Robert Linford]

As he got older, How's choice in women necessarily became more restricted. Here we see him with his latest piece of hot stuff, who is wearing a veil to keep the flies off.

[Phil Carter]

Ripper:-

"Mrs Fiddymont..for the last time.. I put it to you than you cannot possibly have seen anything from under that hat. You are virtually unrecognisable yourself.. are you a model for Walter Sickert?"

Non-Ripper:-

Here are the judges marks for Artistic Impression...
5.1, 5.2, 5.4, 5.6, 5.2, 5.1, 5.0, 5.3, 4.1

"I told you to buy the RUSSIAN hat from that nice judge from Moscow. It's cost us dear.... dear."

How:-

"How!. I've just found this old photo of the pair of us, when we were first courting..."

[Robert Linford]

In court, Kosminski protested that he was simply taking his dog for a walk. He asked whether instead of muzzling it, a veil would be sufficient. His girlfriend was not amused.

[Adam Went]

"It's your fault, Ethel! We wouldn't be here if you hadn't jumped on old Montrose disguised as a boy!"

"But I thought you were into the kinky stuff, Hawley!"

Cheers,
Adam. :nono:

[Caroline Morris]

Ethel: Why must I wear this hideous hat in public?

Hawley: Because you were less fugly as a boy in private.

[Caroline Morris]

Court will rise. All together now:

"Where did you get that hat, where did you get that hat?"

Female defendant: "It's a Vivienne Westwood, your honour. It was ideal for looting Primark in peace while my boyfriend was next door torching his favourite Wetherspoons."

[Caroline Morris]

Ripper:

"You are in the dock, PC Fancy, not because you failed in your duties as a decoy, but because you paid too much attention to detail and authenticity and left your drawers off. When the vicar had a tuppenny go, the kind of cock-up he experienced left him traumatised for at least a quarter of an hour."

[Caroline Morris]

How Brown:

Mr and Mrs Brown are finally up before the beak for producing an offensive caption-writing son.

[String]

Judge: "Just had a message from Prince Charles. Where did you get that hat Madam?"

[Phil Kellingley]

Judge: "Just had a message from Prince Charles. Where did you get that hat Madam?"

Woman in Dock: "Borrowed it from Caz in Shirley"

[Phil Kellingley]

In the dock in Eagleville, Pa, this couple admit to robbing a Domino's Pizza store and a Frozen Yoghurt store. They pleaded that their son Howard had a prestigious appetite.

(Yes, the big news this week in Pa is that both a pizza store and a yoghurt store got robbed. Now I know why Howard tries to get his excitement by writing captions here. What you need, Howard, is a few riots. We can lend you some).

[Robert Linford]

HAWLEY : Isn't that typical, Ethel! You choose this precise moment to get toothache.

[Caroline Morris]

For Brits of a certain age:

Ethel: You never bought me flowers, Hawley.

Hawley: If you don't pipe down you'll get a hyoscine bouquet.

Ethel: I thought it was pronounced Hyacinth Bucket.

Hawley: Well you know what thought did dear.

[Stephen Thomas]

'ere Sarge, she looks a bit of alright. What's she doing with that old git?

[Robert Linford]

This photo reveals, what no one suspected until now, that owing to the dock having been stolen by looters, Crippen throughout his trial stood on the top deck of an omnibus.

[Caroline Morris]

...Crippen throughout his trial stood on the top deck of an omnibus.

Was he going to Clapham?

Only if they let him off with a caution.

[Caroline Morris]

Years before DNA was even a twinkle in some mad scientist's eye, there came an eerie cry as if from a musty cellar:

"But you can't murder me, Hawley. I'm not your wife. I'm a man."

"Nobody's perfect."

[How Brown]

(Yes, the big news this week in Pa is that both a pizza store and a yoghurt store got robbed. Now I know why Howard tries to get his excitement by writing captions here. What you need, Howard, is a few riots. We can lend you some).

Heh heh...small town musta made the bigtime, eh Phil ?
Of all the crimes committed in the area, you found that one...I'm impressed...because it happened out around here in the boondocks.

[String]

"Looks like this is the end Toots. Have you anything you want to say?"
"Yes. He did it your honour!"

[String]

Judge "Well Sir have you anything to say?"
"Go compare, Go compare!"
Judge "Take him out and hang him straight away."

[String]

Judge "Will you please leave the dock Mr Merrick!"

[Phil Kellingley]

Heh heh...small town musta made the bigtime, eh Phil ?
Of all the crimes committed in the area, you found that one...I'm impressed...because it happened out around here in the boondocks.


Ah, small town America. I had visions of someone walking down the street with a gun, a pizza and a frozen yoghurt for dessert. It's just a much nicer crime picture than our riots.

[Robert Linford]

I hear that How relented about Nina's birthday treat, and instead of giving her cold spaghetti he gave her pizza and yogurt.

[Phil Kellingley]

I hear that How relented about Nina's birthday treat, and instead of giving her cold spaghetti he gave her pizza and yogurt.

Unfortunately, she could have eaten the spaghetti through the veil but How had to eat the pizza and yoghurt himself.

[String]

Okay thanks for your entires this week. Here are the results.

RIPPER
:first: Caroline "You are in the dock, PC Fancy, not because you failed in your duties as a decoy, but because you paid too much attention to detail and authenticity and left your drawers off. When the vicar had a tuppenny go, the kind of cock-up he experienced left him traumatised for at least a quarter of an hour."
:second: Robert "In court, Kosminski protested that he was simply taking his dog for a walk. He asked whether instead of muzzling it, a veil would be sufficient. His girlfriend was not amused."
:third: Phil Carter "Mrs Fiddymont..for the last time.. I put it to you than you cannot possibly have seen anything from under that hat. You are virtually unrecognisable yourself.. are you a model for Walter Sickert?"

Non-Ripper
:first: Chris G Ethel to Hawley: "I told you it was a bad idea to bump off Cora and bury her in the cellar! Maybe next time you'll let me drive?"
:second: How " Psst...Ethel....why the hell did you wear that thing into court anyway ?"
"Relax Crip....the judge might lighten up on our sentence."
" Why would he do that ? !"
"Elementary, Harley....for good bee-havior...
:third: Phil Kellingley "Policeman: "I don't think much of the new Royal Protection Vehicle. Apart from the lack of roof, it makes Will and Kate look so much older".

HOWARD BROWN
:first: Stephen "'ere Sarge, she looks a bit of alright. What's she doing with that old git?" I know it didn't mention Howard but it seemed to fit.
:second: Phil Carter "How!. I've just found this old photo of the pair of us, when we were first courting..."
:third: Robert "As he got older, How's choice in women necessarily became more restricted. Here we see him with his latest piece of hot stuff, who is wearing a veil to keep the flies off."

[How Brown]

Effed again and sore as hell. This is outrageous !
String ! ...aren't the checks getting to you over there or are the Irish mailmen as slow as Irish women are at learning how to shave their armpits ?

[Phil Kellingley]

Effed again and sore as hell. This is outrageous !
String ! ...aren't the checks getting to you over there or are the Irish mailmen as slow as Irish women are at learning how to shave their armpits ?

I don't know why you're upset. Only those of us with talent have a right to be :suspicious:

[How Brown]

Tourmeister:

You've got 5 wins and are lucky....I've got nine and wuz ripped off in 5 others.

[Phil Kellingley]

Class will out......:flypig:

[Chris G.]

Okay thanks for your entires this week. Here are the results.

Effed again and sore as hell. This is outrageous !
String ! ...aren't the checks getting to you over there or are the Irish mailmen as slow as Irish women are at learning how to shave their armpits ?

Thanks for the coded message, String. Then you received the payment that I sent you "entire". :D

[Robert Linford]

I am being chased mercilessly by the watchman from Mitre Square : George and Morris.

[String]

Thanks for the coded message, String. Then you received the payment that I sent you "entire". :D

This is a good wee earner now I just have to get a few more of these mugs err contributors on board.

[Robert Linford]

Rather than money, how about a compromising photo featuring Howard Brown and a skunk?

[Caroline Morris]

How would he cope with the smell?

Or did you mean a lady skunk - in which case, how would she cope with the smell?

[How Brown]

Caz...

Take a moment and think...think hard.. and use your mammary to try and recall where I was so mean to you in a caption...I can't.

I expect that sort of badinage from the likes of R.C.Linford...but not my great unrequited love.

[Robert Linford]

"but not my great unrequited love"

What, just because you once carried her books home from school - without her permission? (Now you know where they went, Caz).

[Caroline Morris]

I never knew Howie was into Monkees magazines, Robert.

Howie baby, I am so sorry, that last one about the poor skunk was a bit below the belt, I have to admit.

I should have specified armpits. Er, the skunk's, not yours.

[That's quite enough grovelling - Ed]