Week of August 10th - 17th, 2009

[Debbie D]

And now I bring you this weeks insiprational photo.

Post your best Rip, Non-Rip, Brown, and Caption Most Foul for this weeks tooting image. I expect LOTS of Brown related craptions this week.:horn:

6689

[How Brown]

That 12th can of pork n' beans being wolfed down by Jon Rees ( the national food of Seattle, just ask Archaic) will be a real party favorite at this year's Ripper Conference. I pity the person who will share a room and, ahem, breathing space with him in London. I pity the speakers who will have to contend with the beeps and butthonks and splornk sounds coming from Master Rees' table.

Keep eatin' Jonny...Beans are real good to eat before you go out on a date too. :kiss:

[Archaic]

As soon as his mother handed him the reeking can of beans and he first caught a glimpse of those horrid, gleaming lumps of white fat, little Jeffrey Dahmer
began to get ideas.

[Archaic]

Little-known Whitechapel 'Beans' Song, c. 1888:

"Beans, beans they're good fer your 'eart
The more ye eat the more ye'll tart
The more ye tart the better ye'll thrive
Stay home, eat beans, and stay alive."

[admin tim]

It was at this most early age that Howard's family began to worry about him, and with good reason, for he was doing things that no other Brown child his age had ever done.

Eating cold beans out of a can wasn't at all unusual for a Brown, but using a spoon instead of just one's hands, well, now, it was Granpa Brown who first observed "that boy ain't right".

[How Brown]

Looks like a gourmet meal in Southeast Texas.

[Debbie D]

Looks like a gourmet meal in Southeast Texas.

Howie.... we're not starting off on a good foot here. You can do better than that.:nono:

[How Brown]

How about...

Ummm...this is good, but not as good as a steaming pile of German Shepherd parts sauted in olive oil and a chunk o' brie ?

You stick to judging...I'll stick to being creative, okay little lady?

[tel]

How took to pasting fake labels on his favourite cans of rat testicles.

[Jon Simons]

REWARD

$10,000

Offered by Midwest Railroad for the capture

DEAD OR ALIVE

of

KID CURRIED BEANS

[Archaic]

How took to pasting fake labels on his favourite cans of rat testicles.

AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good one, Tel, that's pretty damn funny.

Sick, but funny. :high5:

[Archaic]

Howard "Toots" Brown.

[Rob Clack]

Howard's flatulence problem started at an early age.

[Archaic]

Yes, evil Howard started to consume entire cans of pork 'n beans as a young boy, deliberately building up a dangerous state of internal pressure and carefully maintaining it at critical mass...

Looking forward to the day when, as a grown man, he would
trap the rest of us unfortunates in the elevator at a Ripper Conference
and make us wish we were dead.

[Currerbell]

The Devil Child decided he would make lunch for his siblings....

[Sam Flynn]

JTR-related: Louis Beanshitz

Non-related: Bela Leguminosae stars in "Count Flatula"

[Archaic]

STAR NEWS:
Jack the Ripper's lawyers today cited a childhood photograph they claim proves that the poor boy was raised entirely on junk food, thus deranging his young mind. The lawyers further state that they plan to invoke a brand-new scientific theory, which for some unfathomable reason they call "The Twinkie Defense".
The Star would like to assure its readers that our reporters will leave no stone unturned to discover what new form of moral excuse a 'Twinkie' might be.

[Currerbell]

How knew exactly what he would be cooking for Nina's birthday meal...:nono:

[Rob Clack]

Timothy Donovan had his usual can of cold beans that morning. When he left the lodging house he walked to Commercial Street and promptly jumped in front of a passing Tram.
Later that day Sergeant Dew walked into the lodging house and spoke to the cook. "When Donovan left here, was he depressed?". The cook replied "No he wasn't, he left here full of beans"

[Archaic]

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

I just realized that EVERY caption EVERYBODY writes this week will be painful... and it's only Tuesday!

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

[Currerbell]

Think I may retire from this one now...!

[Caroline Morris]

I can't think of anything that's remotely funny about this week's caption.

Love,

Mrs Gladys Porkenbeanz,
Felixstowe

[Caroline Morris]

I beg to differ, Mrs P.

Everything about it is bloody hilarious.

Parp. Trump. Fffft.

Love,

Johnny Fartpants
Viz

[Debbie D]

Brown Related:
Howard began his career as a Ripperologist at a very young age, though back in those days the term "Ripperologist" had a totally different meaning. :pound:

[Archaic]

Young Howard vowed that, through him,
each little bean would be heard.

[Archaic]

In his own confused fantasies,
Howie dreamed of one day achieving Jet Propulsion and going to the Moon.

[Archaic]

How Brown eats beans voraciously,
hoping to increase his resemblance to Clark Gable by being 'gone with the wind'...

the rest of us can only pray that someday someone will give a dam.

[Debbie D]

My peeps... is this all you've got? We should have 10 pages by now.:rant:

Start working on some more captions. I'll start looking for a killer image for next week.:cheer2:

[Sam Flynn]

Start working on some more captions.
I'd normally try to stick with two, Debs, but - as it's you - here's another:

JTR-related: Blowsowski

[Robert Linford]

Young Francis Tumblety's future was mapped out from a very early age. Even his beans were camp.

[Jon Simons]

JTR-related: Emanuel Violent Blast

[Jon Simons]

JTR-related: Bloodhounds were withdrawn from Dorset St following ingenious attempts by local children to confuse the scent trail.

[Caroline Morris]

Ripper Related Most Foul...

Young Jacky's uncanny ability to rip one off repeatedly and take the 'orrible stench in his stride was to take a very unfortunate turn when his first wet dream turned his mind from baked beans to broads. :tape:

[ferret]

Young Jack the Ripper!!!!!!!!!!!:tape:

[Archaic]

Defying all those who claim Ripper Studies is a can of worms,

young Howard Brown proves once and for all that it's merely
another can of pork'n beans.

[Currerbell]

Arch - if you dont win this week my forfit is to live off baked beans for a whole week....

[Currerbell]

How loved making his own bubbles at bathtime....:playball:

[Archaic]

Arch - if you dont win this week my forfit is to live off baked beans for a whole week....

Perhaps it was unwise of you to post this promise where Judge Debbie could see it... better start opening the windows now, Bell!!!

[Currerbell]

LOL, I havent visited the supermarket yet for my B.O.G.O.F.F.S on B.E.A.N.Z!

[Archaic]

Cole Porter's Little-Known Original Lyrics To "Let's Fall In Love":

Birds do it...
Bees do it...
Rancid cans of Pork 'N Beans do it...

Let's do it...
Let's have a gas!!!

[Rob Clack]

Defying all those who claim Ripper Studies is a can of worms,

young Howard Brown proves once and for all that it's merely
another can of pork'n beans.

I thought Howard was a has-bean?

[Currerbell]

How, dont let them poo poo you!

[Currerbell]

What the lovely Mrs Beeton recommends as a nourishing meal for the whole family...

[Archaic]

HOWARD BROWN'S PERSONAL BEAUTY SECRETS REVEALED!

"I wasn't born this beautiful", the blushing How confides...
"All that I am now, or ever shall be, I owe to Bile Beans!"

http://i627.photobucket.com/albums/tt355/2Archaic/JTRF/bile-beans.jpg

[Brad McGinnis]

Victorian mothers asked kids what entree would they like with the other arf of the kidne.

[Brad McGinnis]

Pork and kidne beans?

[How Brown]

I thought Howard was a has-bean?

If Brad doesn't win this week...than R "Deadman"Clack should.:nono:

:kiss:

[Currerbell]

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner eating his turds and beans....

[Rob Clack]

What are you going to do How? Blow me away :)

[How Brown]

Not me brudda. Not me.

But I might come over and visit...bringing my arch-flatulent henchman Jon Rees with me to stay over for one of those hot, August in Britain, weekends..with a few dozen cases of beans,of course.

Got room?:kiss:

[Currerbell]

No! Not in this country PLEASE, we have enough green house gases, or should that be Brown house gases....:nono:

[Archaic]

Does anybody else find it odd that How can't seem to come up with
a fart joke this week???

[Currerbell]

He has been too busy to reach his computer as he is on the toilet...

[Debbie D]

Does anybody else find it odd that How can't seem to come up with
a fart joke this week???

Arch, It is actually NORMAL for How to not participate in the caption contests. He likes to ruffle my feathers like that.:banghead:

[How Brown]

To the three silly and dopey women who are trying to irritate me.

You'll get no flatulence from me...I have learned to control my body functions. I am flawless in execution and haven't peed in 8 days.

Try a better caption selection than one dealing with flatulence, since I am a frigging gentleman and no part of my name is either Anderson or Mosley...or Linford..especially Linford.

Try something with class and je nais sa quoi which appeals to my high as opposed to my lowbrow...like a caption of big busted babes or thong bikinis...that sort of class. Me love you long time if that ever happens.

[Archaic]

Dear How,

I love your oh-so-elegant Philly French, but it's "je ne sais quoi."

I would think a Francophile and Franknbeanophile
such as yourself would a already knowed this.

:kiss:

L'Archaic

[How Brown]

You must be sillier and more dopier than I thought if you consider me a Franchisepho.....er, Franchot Tone..er, someone who likes the French.

I'm lucky I had all the right letters in there:playball: Think my English is bad, wait until you see my French. Mon Doo !

All I was worried about was spelling thong right. Debbie and Bell wear bermuda shorts for underwear and probably think Victoria's Secret is something Victoria doesn't wanna share.

[Debbie D]

How,

Why does it have to be classic fart joke?

You could come up with a creative JTR caption... but I doubt it. :rant:

(((I just love the little "rant" smiley. :rant: He's cool unlike Howard who is NOT cool,,,, And he expresses how I feel about Howard's Oppositional Defiance Disorder aka: O.D.D. when it comes to participation)))

And while I may not wear those itchy Vicoria Secret thongs, at least I don't dress like this. I heard Nina refuses to go to the beach with you after you did this to her the last time. I said I wouldn't post this horrible photo of you, but you've left me no choice.:nono:

6694

[Archaic]

Dear Boss,

You will never catch me.

I fart in your general direction.

Yours truly,

Jumpin' Jack Flash (it's a gas)

[Archaic]

New International Sign For

"How Was Here"

Has Been Approved By The United Nations:

http://i627.photobucket.com/albums/tt355/2Archaic/JTRF/180px-Nofartsvg.png

[Archaic]

How,
I heard Nina refuses to go to the beach with you after you did this to her the last time. I said I wouldn't post this horrible photo of you, but you've left me no choice.:nono:
6694


Look on the bright side, Debbie... at least How covered his breasts.

[Debbie D]

Look on the bright side, Debbie... at least How covered his breasts.

Arc, you are so very wise. That is a good point.:high5:

[Debbie D]

Howdy ho folks! I'm on my pain meds again so I was quite delusional while judging. Carmine helped but I did most of the work. I cannot be held responsible for errors this week. If anything is incorrectly labeled, blame it on Howard because his captions were so bad even my pain meds couldn't drown out the violins.:pound:



"RIP"PER RELATED
:first: Sam Flynn "Louis Beanshitz"
:second: Brad Mcginnis "Pork and kidne beans?"
:third: Ferrett "Young Jack the Ripper"
:cheer2: Jon Simons "Bloodhounds were withdrawn from Dorset St following ingenious attempts by local children to confuse the scent trail."


NON "RIP"PER Related
:first: Sam Flynn "Bela Leguminosae stars in "Count Flatula""
:second: Rob Clack "I thought Howard was a has-bean?"
:third: :noidea:

BROWN RELATED
:first: Admin Tim "It was at this most early age that Howard's family began to worry about him, and with good reason, for he was doing things that no other Brown child his age had ever done. Eating cold beans out of a can wasn't at all unusual for a Brown, but using a spoon instead of just one's hands, well, now, it was Granpa Brown who first observed "that boy ain't right"."
:second: Currerbell "How knew exactly what he would be cooking for Nina's birthday meal"
:violin: Howard Brown for submitting captions too pathetic to reprint :rant:


CAPTION MOST FOUL
:puke: Caroline Morris "Young Jacky's uncanny ability to rip one off repeatedly and take the 'orrible stench in his stride was to take a very unfortunate turn when his first wet dream turned his mind from baked beans to broads."

MOST DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE
:puke: Tel "How took to pasting fake labels on his favourite cans of rat testicles."

[How Brown]

If thats the case, Debs...I hope you're well stocked with oxycontins, percs, vicodins and Bourbon.... because this week's contest will provide a lotta inferiorities from the 201 mediocrities known as Forums members. Take a look at what I've done already and wallow in the greatness of that lone effort.

[How Brown]

Isn't this just the "easy way out", Debbie...like last week giving the crown o' thorns to Rob in both categories...and now to Merle Haggis,Jr ?

If the weekly "grease" I send isn't covering expenses for your flea medicine for nature's "D" student over there, a.k.a. Carmine...or your weekly visit to the electrolysis specialist...lemme know and I'll squeeze out another sawbuck and add it to the current vigorice.

[Sam Flynn]

Thanks, Debs. Impeccable taste, as ever :D

[Debbie D]

Thanks, Debs. Impeccable taste, as ever :D

At least somebody appreciates mine and Carmine's hard work.

I know certain individuals have problems accepting the truth that 99% of their captions stink. Geeeeeessshhhh.... You give {{cough cough Howard "no talent" Brown cough hack couch}} 'em one trophy and they think their other captions don't stink. Despite the bribes, Carmine and I insist on making the RIGHT decisions when awarding tropies. Regardless of Howards poor captions, I always have good participants like Sam, Robert, Tim, Caroline, Arc, Bell, Mike, Stepen.... (((well pretty much everone except Howard)))) to write great captions every week!:kiss: